I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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