6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
True but thats because hes a fetus.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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