apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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