dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize