There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
