I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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