New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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