You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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