i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
