Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
