things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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