I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
