Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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