I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
We have started to decorate penises.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
