Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
