new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
