when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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