I feel like I'm in dance class right now
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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