yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
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