Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
