thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
