your parents love me but you hate me
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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