My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Just cropdusted the office
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Randomize
