No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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