hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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