Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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