wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
