were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
