I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
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