Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Randomize
