Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
