my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
