You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
