i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
