All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
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