apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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