I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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