I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
