Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
