toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Randomize
