Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
