I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
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