Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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