If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Randomize
