My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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