8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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