He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
it's like iHOP with fire
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Pants are for mortals
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
