I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize