I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
