life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
