a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Randomize
