I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
