yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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