saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
