I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
